Circus of the Damned

audiovoces @ 2006-02-14T15:45:00

2006-02-14T20:46:05Z

Your results:
You are Deanna Troi

Deanna Troi		80%
Geordi LaForge		65%
An Expendable Character (Redshirt)		65%
Chekov		60%
Jean-Luc Picard		60%
James T. Kirk (Captain)		55%
Leonard McCoy (Bones)		50%
Uhura		50%
Beverly Crusher		45%
Worf		40%
Spock		32%
Mr. Scott		30%
Will Riker		30%
Mr. Sulu		20%
Data		19%

You are a caring and loving individual.
You understand people's emotions and
you are able to comfort and counsel them.

Click here to take the Star Trek Personality Test

The Patriot Act...Oh, and a fun movie about our wonderful choke president

2005-12-16T19:49:19Z

This makes me happy...
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/10485860/

Hahahaha...
http://movies.msn.com/movies/JibJab?gt1=7448

No surprises here...

2005-11-25T13:56:19Z

Tomboy

What kind of little girl were YOU?
brought to you by Quizilla

Interesting parenting techniques...

2005-11-18T15:13:36Z

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/10075910/

This surprises me...yet, it doesn't...

2005-11-08T17:20:43Z

You Are Machiavelli's Spawn

You're going to get what you want, and no one's going stand in your way.
(Even if it's just knocking out your roomie to get the last ice cream sandwich!)
People who slow you down, simply need to be taken out - by any means possible.
You are the master of charming, wooing, manipulating, and intimidating.

How Machiavellian Are You?

audiovoces @ 2005-11-04T11:48:00

2005-11-04T16:58:43Z

I actually had a somewhat normal dream about Dad last night. For once, I wasn't being chased by him. For once, he wasn't dead. In the dream he had come to town for business or something like that. The dream consisted of multiple short visitations with him throughout the time he was here. In the scene I remember most clearly, we were just sitting around talking football. I remember Dad saying during the conversation that one of his favorite restaurants was the one owned by Zach Thomas's family (Does Zach Thomas's family even own a restaurant. I don't think they do...but oh well...). That comment started a whole conversation about the Dolphins' defense. After that, I vaguely remember a scene with me and Dad discussing where to go for breakfast. I also vaguely remember Dad being at my work for something. I wonder what the deep psychological meaning behind this dream is.

audiovoces @ 2005-11-03T10:06:00

2005-11-03T15:10:00Z

Happy Birthday, Jeremy!

audiovoces @ 2005-10-21T09:06:00

2005-10-21T13:07:09Z

Happy Birthday, Daddy. I miss you so much.

audiovoces @ 2005-10-20T11:13:00

2005-10-20T15:15:23Z

Today is turning out to be harder than yesterday for some reason. I had to take Dad's picture down off of my desk just now. I just felt this strange hollowness in my chest every time I glanced at it.

"There's an awful lot of breathing room, but I can hardly move." - MB20

audiovoces @ 2005-10-15T08:47:00

2005-10-15T13:14:49Z

Well, with October 19th approaching (unfortunately), obviously I have been thinking about Dad a lot. A LOT. Even more than usual. This got me to thinking. I WONDER IF GRIEVING FOR A DECEASED LOVED ONE CAN BECOME SOMEONE'S ENTIRE IDENTITY. I am trying to keep myself from becoming like that, but in some ways, I actually embrace my pain and grief. I had heard several times about people doing that, and I always thought it was weird. Why would they want to do that? I now have a better insight to it. Don't get me wrong. I would probably rather be experiencing anything else in the world. However, I can't avoid the fact that Dad is, in fact, dead. The grief is inevitable. As I mentioned before, I have sort of embraced the pain. Why? Well, I'm not really sure. Maybe it is because I know it is necessary to heal (if healing is possible). Maybe it is my way of holding on to him and refusing to let him go completely. I really don't know. I was driving to work this morning and heard a Bryan Adams song on the radio. A line from the song really stuck out to me. He sang, "Don't deny me this pain I'm going through..." I (like I do a lot of times with songs), took comfort from those words. Even though his loss that he is singing about isn't death, it felt good to hear someone else express my feelings. I have felt all along that the thoughts that were constantly running through my head about Dad and his death were unique to just me. I thought I was weird and different. However, the more I talk to people about it (and listen to things around me like songs), I have come to find that other people are having or have had the same exact thoughts about losing someone they love. I think this has happened the most with my brother Jeremy. Every time one of us actually shares our thoughts (usually posted on LJ) about a situation, the other one usually ends up commenting that we had been thinking the same exact thing lately. I take comfort in that. It makes me feel like I'm not so alone.

Jason broached the subject last night of October 19th. He was curious as to whether I had plans or not. I have been avoiding even thinking about making plans for that day because I just don't want to think about it at all. I can't possibly accept that it has been a year. I have decided, though, that I'm going to work that day. I had the opportunity to take it off, but I think that it will keep me busy and keep my mind off of things if I work. I don't know what to do when I come home, though. I'm sure I'll make plans, but it probably won't be until the last minute. That way, I can continue to put it off and not think about it.

As Jason and I were talking last night, I mentioned to him that I still wake up every single morning and try to convince myself that it has all been a bad dream. I have that like half of a second where I believe it, too. I just tell myself, "Nah, it couldn't possibly be true. It's just unthinkable. I'm going to go call Dad now simply because I can." But I can't. That moment of disbelief is quickly gone. My heart breaks every day at that moment when I realize that yeah, it really is true. He really is gone. Jason told me that he thought it was very unhealthy for me to go through this every morning. Well, yes, I would imagine so. I can't just turn it off, though. I have to wonder how long it will go on, though.

Two days after the 19th is Dad's birthday. He would have been 46 this year. We had to have his viewing/wake on his birthday. That made me very sad. I have to wonder if his birthday will be just as hard as the 19th.

LOST

2005-09-21T14:23:19Z

THIS IS AN OPEN INVITE FOR ANYONE ELSE WHO WANTS TO COME WATCH THE SEASON PREMIERE OF LOST TONIGHT. WE ARE HAVING A SMALL GET-TOGETHER/LOST PARTY-TYPE THING.

DIANA: Are you Terance coming over for LOST tonight? I really, really hope so. Let me know. Oh, and I have a gift for you. It's just a little something that I saw in the store the other day that made me think of you.

audiovoces @ 2005-09-09T11:28:00

2005-09-09T15:29:22Z

This makes me very sad. I cried when I saw these pictures. I hate that Dad's stage was torn up like that.

http://www.livejournal.com/users/jeremyleff/201135.html

audiovoces @ 2005-09-08T15:39:00

2005-09-08T19:40:34Z

I don't think my day could get any worse at this point.

*knock on wood*

Hmm...go figure...

2005-08-24T03:46:45Z

You kill for revenge.
That is because you have lost something or
someone you held very dear. Now you can't seem
to get over the loss that marked your soul, and
the only solution is to go after the one person
who brought all this pain to you. Chances are
you are angry inside and you bottle everything
up and don't talk to anyone about it. People
may want to help, but you think that they can
never understand your pain and only get
frustrated because of this. But it is important
to see all that you have left and be thankful
of that even if you have lost something great.
It may not be true that Times heals all wounds,
but with time and talking about your feelings,
maybe the hurt will ease.

Main weapon: Yourself
Quote: "You can close your eyes to
reality but not to memories" -Stainslaw J.
Lec
Facial expression: Gritted teeth and
teary eyes

What Type of Killer Are You? [cool pictures]
brought to you by Quizilla

audiovoces @ 2005-08-08T09:00:00

2005-08-08T14:19:43Z

Greetings from Fairhope.

I love it here. I want to live here. There is a house for sale that is only feet from my Dad's house. I wish I could buy it. Jason doesn't like Fairhope, though.

We went down to to the Gulf last night. I was very eager to see Florabama. The last I saw (which was in pictures), it was in pieces after IVAN. They had the place under construction but up and running last night. That was good to see. The whole front half (the indoor portion) is gone, but they appeared to be rebuilding it. Yay! Note to Crystal and Marie: The parking lot across the street that Marie and Dad skipped through is gone and so is the pier where we docked the boat. :-( But that's okay. We can drown our sorrows over this sad news with a few Florabama Bushwhackers sometime soon. :-)

I get to have Krystal's today. I can't wait. It's my favorite fast food place, and I never get to have it since there isn't one in Tally. Krystal burgers are like crack for me and Jessica. We are just like the guys in Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle. We would go through all of that for Krystal burgers.

Did I mention that I love Fairhope?

audiovoces @ 2005-08-04T14:26:00

2005-08-04T18:28:11Z

I had another dream/nightmare about Dad last night. It was similar to the ones I've had before, only more intense and more frightening. I woke up terrified and crying. I woke Jason up and made him comfort me. I feel badly about that (walking him in the middle of the night), but I know that he would just tell me that it is just one of those things you do for your spouse.

I think this dream is due to the fact that I have been thinking about Dad even more lately. It seems like his death is becoming more and more real. And the more real it becomes, the harder I try to make it NOT real. There are actually times when I have to stop and ask myself if it really happened or if it was just a bad nightmare or something. I will struggle with that thought for several minutes. It's like I'm trying to convince my brain to go one way and believe that it didn't really happen, but my brain is pushing against me because it knows it did happen and I'm just fooling myself. Does that make any sense?

I want to call Dad. I want to pick up my phone and just call him. That way, I can prove to myself that it didn't really happen. I want to hear his voice. I heard it in my dream last night. He was talking, and it seemed so real (even though he was dead in the dream, his body was there and talking). In my dreams, there usually isn't talking. Everyone just always seems to know what the other person wants to say without them saying it. I remember thinking in my dream how strange it was because I could actually hear my Dad talking in the dream. My Stepmom gave me a CD of Dad's message from his answering machine at work. I haven't been able to listen to it yet. I haven't been able to go to the cemetery yet, either. I won't let people talk about death/funerals/etc around me yet. Am I avoiding it? I can't believe I'm still so sensitive about it. I feel like I've come a long way in my grieving process, but I now realize that I still have so much further to go. Should I stop avoiding the inevitable? I don't want to. I feel like it is all stalking me day and night, waiting to pounce. It's like there is this dark cloud following me wherever I go. It is my own sword of Damocles.

I think my trip to Fairhope this weekend may be difficult.

"If you're gone
it's time to come home.
There's an awful lot of breathing room,
but I can hardly move."
-MT

audiovoces @ 2005-08-02T09:50:00

2005-08-02T13:53:54Z

My department (Department of State) announced another job opening today. It's nothing fancy, but it's good for anyone wanting to get their foot in the door. For anyone interested...

https://jobs.myflorida.com/viewjob.html?refnode=230507

audiovoces @ 2005-07-27T20:28:00

2005-07-28T00:28:14Z

the Comic

(21% dark, 39% spontaneous, 61% vulgar)

your humor style:
VULGAR | COMPLEX | LIGHT

Yours is the most versatile and also the most popular kind of humor. On the one hand, you'll crack a joke about just about anything, but you're not mean-spirited or intimidating, so you can get away with it--even when, for example, you bust on Mexicans. Even though you appreciate a good dirty joke as much as anybody, over all, you've got a cerebral approach to humor. In fact, you appreciate all well-crafted humor. Now just go out there and write up a routine; it's likely you'd be good at it.

PEOPLE LIKE YOU: Dave Chappelle - Rodney Dangerfield

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 5% on dark

You scored higher than 33% on spontaneous

You scored higher than 94% on vulgar

Link: The 3 Variable Funny Test written by jason_bateman on Ok Cupid

audiovoces @ 2005-07-19T18:12:00

2005-07-19T22:11:59Z

Hand-Raiser
You are 71% Rational, 57% Extroverted, 42% Brutal, and 28% Arrogant.

You are the Hand-Raiser, that annoying kid in class who always had an answer for everything. No doubt, as a child you probably sat in the front of the class, anxiously waving your hand back and forth in the air while your teacher desperately tried to avoid calling on you because you were the ONLY fucking kid that answered her questions. Clearly, the key traits of your personality are your rationality and your extroversion. You are like a little talkative calculator, in other words. You also tend to be rather gentle and less arrogant than most people. So what is your defect, then? Well, you're boring, and when you're not boring, you are just plain annoying with your ultra-logical responses and constant need to talk to others. So keep waving that hand in the air, son. I'm still not calling on you. You are too logical, you talk too much, and your humility and gentleness only makes me hate you more, because they make me feel like I almost SHOULDN'T hate you. But I do. Big time.

To put it less negatively:

1. You are more RATIONAL than intuitive.

2. You are more EXTROVERTED than introverted.

3. You are more GENTLE than brutal.

4. You are more HUMBLE than arrogant.

Compatibility:

Your exact opposite is the Brute.

Other personalities you would probably get along with are the Braggart, the Haughty Intellectual, and the Robot.

If you scored near fifty percent for a certain trait (42%-58%), you could very well go either way. For example, someone with 42% Extroversion is slightly leaning towards being an introvert, but is close enough to being an extrovert to be classified that way as well. Below is a list of the other personality types so that you can determine which other possible categories you may fill if you scored near fifty percent for certain traits.

The other personality types:

The Emo Kid: Intuitive, Introverted, Gentle, Humble.

The Starving Artist: Intuitive, Introverted, Gentle, Arrogant.

The Bitch-Slap: Intuitive, Introverted, Brutal, Humble.

The Brute: Intuitive, Introverted, Brutal, Arrogant.

The Hippie: Intuitive, Extroverted, Gentle, Humble.

The Televangelist: Intuitive, Extroverted, Gentle, Arrogant.

The Schoolyard Bully: Intuitive, Extroverted, Brutal, Humble.

The Class Clown: Intuitive, Extroverted, Brutal, Arrogant.

The Robot: Rational, Introverted, Gentle, Humble.

The Haughty Intellectual: Rational, Introverted, Gentle, Arrogant.

The Spiteful Loner: Rational, Introverted, Brutal, Humble.

The Sociopath: Rational, Introverted, Brutal, Arrogant.

The Hand-Raiser: Rational, Extroverted, Gentle, Humble.

The Braggart: Rational, Extroverted, Gentle, Arrogant.

The Capitalist Pig: Rational, Extroverted, Brutal, Humble.

The Smartass: Rational, Extroverted, Brutal, Arrogant.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 55% on Rationality

You scored higher than 60% on Extroversion

You scored higher than 49% on Brutality

You scored higher than 20% on Arrogance

Link: The Personality Defect Test written by saint_gasoline on Ok Cupid

audiovoces @ 2005-07-07T09:13:00

2005-07-07T13:14:12Z

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MIMI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jeremy made me do it...

2005-07-01T13:21:31Z

Please leave a one-word comment that you think best describes me. It can only
be one word. No more. Then copy & paste this in your journal so that I may
leave a word about you.

You can do it.

Really.

Shame on you.

2005-06-27T19:06:38Z

I hate it when people waste my time.
Like almost everyone else, I've got a life. I'm a relatively busy person, who is pushed for time for friends and entertainment. Don't fucking waste that little bit of time that I do have.

If you make plans with me, you sure as hell better keep them. I am so sick of people not sticking to plans that they make with me. If you schedule to do something with me when we both have free time, don't cancel on me without a damn good excuse...and DON'T try to lie to me about your excuse. If you schedule plans with me, stick to them. Don't leave me hanging. When I have plans with someone, I tend to plan my day around it. If I'm counting on you to keep up your end of that bargain so that the rest of the stuff that I need to do that day gets done, don't screw that up for me. I say this, but the problem is that a lot of my friends don't even think about that kind of thing. They don't think about the inconvenience they are causing others. The thought doesn't even cross their mind.

It's really sad that I've gotten angry enough over of this type of situation twice in the last few weeks to post about it. Again, you should be ashamed of yourselves for treating people the way you do. I should be ashamed of myself because, for some bizarre reason, I continue to make plans with you.

audiovoces @ 2005-06-22T13:48:00

2005-06-22T17:51:51Z

Since I always have people asking me if I know of any positions available anywhere...

I just found out that we have a clerical position coming open. It will probably start at between $8 and $10/ hour. No guarantees, but intelligence is probably enough to qualify anyone. If you or anyone you know is interested, let me know.

This song is very appropriate for today...

2005-06-20T02:57:28Z

Back when I was a child, before life removed all the innocence
My father would lift me high and dance with my mother and me and then
Spin me around 'til I fell asleep
Then up the stairs he would carry me
And I knew for sure I was loved
If I could get another chance, another walk, another dance with him
I'd play a song that would never, ever end

How I'd love, love, love
To dance with my father again
When I and my mother would disagree
To get my way, I would run from her to him
He'd make me laugh just to comfort me
Then finally make me do just what my mama said
Later that night when I was asleep
He left a dollar under my sheet
Never dreamed that he would be gone from me
If I could steal one final glance, one final step, one final dance with him
I'd play a song that would never, ever end

'Cause I'd love, love, love
To dance with my father again
Sometimes I'd listen outside her door
And I'd hear how my mother cried for him
I pray for her even more than me
I pray for her even more than me
I know I'm praying for much too much
But could you send back the only man she loved
I know you don't do it usually
But dear Lord she's dying
To dance with my father again
Every night I fall asleep and this is all I ever dream

audiovoces @ 2005-06-18T11:39:00

2005-06-18T15:53:38Z

For the three nights before Dad died, I dreamt about death. Of course, I had no way of knowing what was going to happen, but I was still a little weirded out by it...especially after Dad died.

I was very upset for the first few months after Dad died because I hadn't had a dream about him. Everyone else that had been close to him was dreaming about him a lot, but I hadn't. I was so frustrated because I didn't know what that meant. That's about the time my friends (even the ones who weren't close to Dad) started coming to me and telling me that they had had a dream (and some even had daydreams) about him. Even though most of these friends didn't know each other, they were all having the same type of dream. In their dreams Dad was trying to get to me to tell me he was okay, but he was having trouble getting through to me, like he was lost or maybe even blocked. I was nudged by an incipient awareness that perhaps these events were all connected. I had to wonder at the time how coincidental it all was. Could it be true? Was it too coincidental to ignore? In the dreams, Dad told my friends to tell me that he loved me and that he was with me. Sarah even said that she woke up with this unbelievable feeling of peace.

After I finally had my first dream about Dad, I wished that I hadn't. In my dream he was dead, but his body was still walking around. It seemed normal to everyone else in my dream, but I was freaked out. Everywhere I ran, Dad would follow me and chase after me. I'm sure this dream had some deep psychological meaning, of course.

Anyway, I dreamt about Dad again last night. In my dream I was sitting at a bar with some friends. I turned around and Dad was walking up to us. He stopped next to Jason, who was sitting to my left. He was looking at me and smiling. I was very unsure about the situation at first (as I'm sure you can imagine). Suddenly, I jumped up and hugged Dad as tight as I could. He hugged me back tightly, and it felt so good. I was so happy. At the same time, though, I looked around at my friends to try to judge their reactions. I mean, there I was hugging my father, who, last we knew, was dead. I was afraid that I was afraid that I was just hallucinating. I was afraid that either he really wasn't there, just a figment of my imagination and hopes or that I was mistakenly hugging some stranger, whom I was just imagining was my father. All of my friends were smiling, though.

Tomorrow is Father's Day. I'm already crying. I've been crying for most of the morning. I have no idea how I'm going to make it through the day tomorrow. Hopefullly having people I care about around me will deter my mind from wandering into those lachrymose thoughts that have been plaguing me as of late.

"If you're gone,
it's time to come home.
There's an awful lot of breathing room,
but I can hardly move."
-MB20